[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..