PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings