“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad