Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
You Might Also Like
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.