Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Overindulged this afternoon.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Oh thanks BBC.
wtf management?!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over