10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
this will hang in the louvre one day
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.