Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.