What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.