wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!