The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.