MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.