self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I am HOWLING at this
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Morning my dudes.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine