Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”