ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
January has been Januweary
the official breakfast of 2021
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.