alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
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House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?