I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Got ya covered
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.