Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.