People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
You Might Also Like
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.