I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My Plans 2020
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.