Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*