4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
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Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
This has made my week.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.