Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.