When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Day 2 of my diet
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I like donuts.
Twitter:
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired