Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
You Might Also Like
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
BRAKING NEWS!!
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night