It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
A completely valid reaction tbh
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.