Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.