I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.