Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
me after eating Cheetos
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.