I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
me 2 months after i graduated
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
something like this could probably happen to anyone
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies