[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
When they try to steal your moment.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I had to Stop for this
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.