With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Become ungovernable.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.