The answer is funnier than the question
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!