People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people