Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you