The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Free him
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.