i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You Might Also Like
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
kids play hide and seek like
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume