The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.