Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
You Might Also Like
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
New comic up. “Ransom”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.