When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
man i love columbo
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me when the borders lift
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.