An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Previously On Persistence 😎
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.