The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
yeet
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again