S/o to @funTweeters .
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I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.