the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.