[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
What in the hipster hell is going on here
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
This is Sparta
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,