[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.