So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
When I snag the last meatball.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”