Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]