Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.