Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.