Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
my proudest tweet